Adult Dating and Relationships: How to Share Kinks Without Scaring Boyfriend? How can I ask my boyfriend what s*xual stuff he’d be willing to try while avoiding an awkward conversation? I think some of my kinks might scare him.
How Do I Share My Kinks Without Scaring My Boyfriend?
I struggle with communication, especially when it comes to s*x. My boyfriend and I have taken things very slowly, so slowly that after two years together, I still have to ask (nervously) for things like oral s*x.. He’s never refused but doesn’t initiate, making me feel like I’m imposing.
Now, I’m realising I have deeper desires, specifically, submission, that I’m terrified to bring up. Submission isn’t about self-hatred or degradation; it’s empowering, even playful. But given my history (depression, self-harm, past trauma), I worry he’ll assume the worst, that it’s tied to pain rather than pleasure. He’s protective, and I imagine him hesitating mid-scene, afraid he’s hurting me.
The real issue isn’t just what to say, it’s that I’m scared to say anything. What if he’s disgusted? What if he agrees but secretly hates it? What if this changes how he sees me?
The Hard Truth: Avoiding the Conversation Won’t Fix Anything
I know I should talk to him, but:
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Dropping a list of kinks feels like an interrogation.
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I don’t want to overwhelm him.
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I don’t want to risk him doing things just to please me, not because he enjoys it.
A Possible Solution: Low-Pressure Exploration
Instead of a Big Serious Talk, maybe we could:
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Use a kink checklist (like Mojo Upgrade) to privately mark interests, then compare. No awkward face-to-face confession needed.
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Start small—light bondage, teasing commands, and check in after.
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Frame it as a shared experiment, not a demand: “I’ve been curious about trying X—would you be open to exploring that with me?”
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Reassure him that my kinks aren’t red flags: “I love trust and intimacy—this is about fun, not pain.”
I love him, but I can’t ignore my needs forever. If we’re incompatible, staying silent won’t fix it. Either we grow together, or I accept that this relationship has limits.
Key Takeaways:
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Fear is normal, but avoidance hurts more in the long run.
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Tools help—checklists, articles, or even erotic stories can ease the conversation.
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Start slow and build trust incrementally.
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His reaction matters—if he’s dismissive or unwilling to engage, that’s data for your decision.
Would love advice from people who’ve navigated similar talks!
Story Credit: Check Out Quora
How to Share Kinks Without Scaring Boyfriend? 6 BEST TIPS
Navigating conversations about s*xual preferences, especially when they involve kinks or past trauma, requires sensitivity, patience, and clear communication. Here’s a structured approach to help you address this with your boyfriend while minimising awkwardness and fostering understanding:
1. Start with a Collaborative Framework
Frame the conversation as a shared exploration rather than a list of demands. This reduces pressure and invites curiosity. For example:
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“I’ve been thinking about ways we could explore new things together to make our intimacy even more fulfilling. Would you be open to talking about what we both might enjoy?”
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Use neutral tools like the “Yes/No/Maybe” list (available online) or apps like Spicer, where you both privately note interests and compare matches. This avoids direct interrogation and normalises the process.
2. Address His Potential Concerns Proactively
Given his hesitation (e.g., oral s*x) and your history, he may fear overstepping or causing harm. Reassure him:
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“I want you to know that anything we try will be safe, consensual, and something I genuinely want. My past doesn’t define my desires now, this is about trust and mutual enjoyment.”
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Emphasise enthusiastic consent and establish a safeword system (e.g., “red/yellow/green”) to give him confidence that you’ll communicate boundaries.
3. Contextualise Submission as Empowerment
Explain your perspective on submission in a way that aligns with your values:
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“For me, submission isn’t about disrespect, it’s about trust and control. It’s empowering to let go in a safe space with someone I love. Could we explore what that might look like together?”
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Share resources (e.g., articles, books like The New Topping Book or The New Bottoming Book) to demystify BDSM and highlight its focus on consent and communication.
4. Take Incremental Steps
Start small to build confidence and comfort:
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Introduce light kinks first (e.g., blindfolds, light bondage with scarves, role-play scenarios) before escalating to more intense dynamics.
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Debrief after experiments: Discuss what felt good, what didn’t, and adjust. This normalises feedback and reduces pressure for perfection.
5. Normalise Ongoing Conversations
Make discussions about s*x and desire a routine, low-stakes part of your relationship:
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Use humour or casual check-ins: “I saw this funny meme about ‘spicing things up’—want to try something new this weekend?”
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Schedule regular “state of the union” talks about your relationship, including intimacy, to avoid bottling up needs.
6. Acknowledge Compatibility Concerns
If progress stalls despite your efforts, reflect honestly:
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Are your needs negotiable, or are they core to your fulfilment?
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Can he meet you halfway with genuine enthusiasm, or is he merely tolerating your requests?
While leaving a relationship is daunting, long-term incompatibility in intimacy can breed resentment. Therapy (individual or couples) could help navigate these crossroads if communication remains strained.
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Use tools (quizzes, apps) to ease into the conversation.
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Reassure and educate to address his fears about your trauma and kinks.
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Start small, communicate often, and prioritise mutual enjoyment.
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Evaluate compatibility if efforts don’t lead to growth.
Your desires are valid, and a fulfilling s*xual relationship is possible, whether with him or someone else. Trust yourself to advocate for your needs with kindness and clarity.